My heart, it don’t beat the way it used to…

Life-changing experiences come in many shapes and sizes. Some of my life experiences have taken place over time, a process that doesn’t hit you like a ton of bricks, but at the end, you realize you might as well have been. Becoming a mother, for example. I am not talking about the 9 months leading up to labor, or the labor itself, or the moment that slimy baby breaks free of you to the tune of a doctor’s direction and her own first scream. I mean the process of learning to mother…of knowing how to tell what each cry means, how to teach someone to blow their own nose or ride a bike, how to mend a tiny broken heart, or discipline appropriately. Maybe some women are born knowing these things. I was not one of them. And I know that there’s more to learn. But I have confidence that I will not ruin my children, and that took time to grow in to.

Some of my life experiences have been more of the ton-of-bricks variety. We all share birth, death, illness, marriage, and divorce as life-changers. But there are less-common sorts of these. Take, for instance, my American Idol-induced epiphany several years back. I was watching the “Idol Gives Back” special, in which Simon and his merry band of shiny compatriots head to Africa to, well, give back. There were montages of some of the awfulness that takes place there, things of which I was already aware and horrified. Ryan Seacrest was explaining how malaria medication is so cheap by our standards, but that many children died because they couldn’t get it. Depressing, but knowledge I already had. This sad fact of life and death in Africa did not bring about my epiphany. The catalyst was the commercial they cut to. A Kohl’s commercial featuring the song “Fabulous” by Fergie. For those not in the know, the song is about how fabulous it is to be fabulous and to look fabulous and to own fabulous amounts of fabulous things. I burst instantly into tears. Not because I don’t enjoy Fergie’s music (although I don’t). Not because the malaria thing just hit me. But because we live in a culture where we can switch between the suffering of our fellow human beings to the point of pointless death and the wanton commercialism that has seeped into our brains telling us that we want more, we NEED more, and must get it, damn the kids in Africa. I realized right then and there that I could no longer insulate myself from that suffering. Every decision I make has to consider the others…the people I have never met whose suffering I help to perpetuate through both my actions and inactions. I gave up buying new things, unless they were consumable (no second hand toothpaste), and I encouraged people to do the same. To make a short story long, that stupid commercial changed my life. It raised my awareness, changed my lifestyle, and sparked a newfound passion for social justice in me.

But the life-changer that happened today is not exclusively the result of a process or an epiphany, but rather some kind of fusion. Today I learned that over the past few months I have inadvertently caused a great deal of confusion in a relationship. While this has been building process-style, the words from my friend hit me like a ton of bricks. I had no idea that my actions were causing such stress, and I feel awful about it. I know that our relationship cannot continue like this. I have to change the way I behave, at least in this particular circumstance. I feel compelled to rethink things across the board as a result. In the hours since our last interaction, I can already feel the difference in myself…the cautious measuring of my words and deeds, a self-awareness I did not previously possess. I think this is a good thing. But it’s too soon to tell.